Have I told the story of how I figured out we are Jewish? It's kinda long and circuitous so I'll leave the details for later.[note to self: make a list of topics to come back to so that you don't have to depend on the brain pan] The confirmation came from our cousins. And my brother won't talk about it. He's rather likes Pugs in that regard. Pugs refuses to hear it, talk about it, believe it. I don't know Pugs well enough to know where that comes from. And I guess I don't know Bro well enough to make a call. But I wonder why it is so.
Again, I may be naive.
See, last night he was trying to talk me into living in the cancer trap that is dad's house. He wants me to buy the house while he buys the land, thus giving my sister the cold hard cash she wants. I told him I wasn't interested for like the 8356262834 billionth time. [I think that's a godzillion] His logic says that I'm being stupid. Never call a geek stupid. Never call me stupid, my inner/outer geek tells me to plot your demise with the alacrity of a batleth strike. And last night, I just decided I would be semi honest about the state of my state. I don't want to be tied to a place if I actually hook up with someone from one of these sites. I want the freedom to move.
He asked if things could go that way? I said "Why not?"
And here is something else you better not do in my presence... don't try to convince me that I am an ugly toad or an orc. I have struggled all my life to get to the point where I can think of my outer self even as average looking. Between Mom asserting that I wasn't worth the money and time for new clothes and lessons on personal hygiene and having to have dad explain the physics of face shaving so that I could apply the knowledge to shaving my legs, I had to contend with her belief that anyone who said I was remotely attractive was only being kind. I have had people throughout my life try to tell me I was something other than the ogre I thought I was. I steadfastly refused to believe them. And then there were the two people who made me think that I was attractive enough to date. I will not let my brother convince me that I am ugly and thus have control of my ego. I have enough trouble keeping it in check myself. I don't need the added trouble of wresting control of it from someone else. As evidence... I give you the next step of my defensive plan.
I exaggerated the interest from the site I am registered on. While I only have two people with whom I regularly correspond, I said there were four. I know that there isn't a shot at my statement being prophetic regarding the two with whom I converse. But I had to give him notice and be convincing enough to set him back on his heels. He was set back. And that put him in a better spot to attack.
So I told him the interest came with some cash too. "Going for some money? It's about time you started to make some sense." Okay... now he just insulted all of my friends. That was after he insulted his own friends who have gotten long distance booty calls. He thinks that is the only thing I am looking for. And given his opinion of my looks, he thinks he knows THAT won't happen. So I am standing there defending my indefensible position and wham... I tell him they are all Jewish.
Yep. Set him back. Then he attacked my mind, Grampa and Gramma Ada and all of the cousins. "Just because you believe that Grampa was Jewish doesn't mean you have to go there." There. Slumming he meant. I don't believe Grampa was Jewish. I know he was. I know he was conflicted with trying to live in the states under the radar. And why, if he chooses not to believe it does he have to say "Jewish" like someone just set a plate of Gahgh in front of him? Why insult Gramma? Why label the cousins "irrational"? It can't be all the Catholic schooling.
He refused church and catechism teaching as much as I did. And he wouldn't crack open a book to save his life in school. So he knows nothing significant about anything. He doesn't attend catholic or protestant services of any kind. He is all auto pilot, checked his brain at baggage claim and wrapped himself in ignorance. Somehow I think that just answered all of my how questions.
But what is it that makes Judaism so detestable a thing? Jesus was Jewish. He wasn't persecuted for the Jewishness or his heritage. He was persecuted for making "unsubstantiated claims" to godhood. I know that the Christian church has written out as much as possible but, like I said to ACG, without a foundation in Jewish studies, can a Christian really understand their faith? I don't think so.
So what is it that makes him bite like an asp? We got into a row last Labor Day when he said that I attacked everything he believes in. But what does he believe? Why does he believe it? He can't answer those two questions. And I am ignorant. I know that I have always been rather anti establishment in religious dealings. But what unites me to G'd isn't going to be who I took my information from but rather how much I cleave to HIM. My eternal soul has little to do with popes and priests. It's all G'd. So what is his deal? We weren't raised to be antisemitic, we just ignored the issue. I don't know where this comes from. And no, knowing wouldn't matter. I can't save him. If he won't save himself, then that's his problem.
It just bothers me that there has to be this division. I want to resurrect that 3rd century council and moitilize 'em. And I want to run screaming from people who have to have these divisions. There won't be peace with these stupid fences we built around ourselves. I can't believe that pride and ignorance are so important as to be embraced as wholeheartedly as they are. Judaism is a beautiful religious practice. Almost every month has a holiday that builds the spirit as opposed to other practices and the secular world that makes holidays to keep Hallmark in business.
I am choosing to believe that my exaggeration will be a petition to G'd that I am really ready for something great and wonderful to happen through my experimenting in on line dating and that I haven't jinxed anything. I am also hoping that my brother got the hint that I don't want to be part of this anymore. I can't deal with the constant demand to be less of what G'd made me and in that sense be less human than lapdog.