Saturday, March 28, 2015


One of the things that I am learning about myself through yet another disappointment, is that I am completely capable of taking care of myself. Why would I think that I can't. Because I have been told that in some form or another all of my life. Sometimes accusatory statements come out as commandments as if they are repeated often enough they become a kind of mantra. Every time you tell a kid they can't do something for a reason other than health and safety (which needs to be stated as you "will not" or just "do not") it becomes a rule of living. And it goes so far into the subconsciousness that it makes everything in life much more difficult than it needs to be.

I am a weird person because I was a weird kid. While everyone was planning weddings and dreaming up their own dream homes I was planning a solitary life. I was born wanting to be left alone. Oh I was socialized, and traumatized in the process. But I had no desire for human companionship. As an introvert and natural observer, it is hard to be around people when you can see through their lies, the dissembling and even outright hostility toward others. And as a kid it is hard to get adults to listen and see what you see because they all "know better". I have always wanted to be a lone. But I was programmed to believe that I could not take care of myself.

So here I am up to my ears in debt, working my body to an early grave and immersed in the belief that art will never pay and that for whatever reason I am not a good enough writer to make money doing that. I've gone into relationship with the belief that they are needed because we aren't supposed to do life alone.

But I have to. I have a fundamental distrust that is not over come with therapy. I have no desire to learn to trust. Not on an intimate level where people are supposed to know you. That is where betrayal happens. And people get in the way of making art. I don't care if I make money at it or not. It would be nice. But I make art because to not make art is to begin to crawl into my grave. I do it to live. People get in the way.

Not believing in yourself gets in the way too. And so do setbacks. The art gallery was a dead end. I sold nothing that was submitted. But that is ok. I have other plans for my art. But I am taking a break and just working on digital stuff because I am transitioning into a new part of life.

My employer has started negotiations to move into another promotion. We have to work out the details such as the salary and the start date, how I will use my vacation time etc... so there is not much that I can say about it right now. But I am starting to believe in myself. So I am saying yes to bigger things. And as a result of the process I am seeing that I can take care of myself. I wish that I had seen that sooner. I wish that I had a defense for the people who tore me down 20 years ago. I wish that I had been strong enough to keep that from happening. In the 20 year struggle to rebuild after a divorce, I am seeing that one mistake doesn't really define me....

it defines the people who do not let you forget your mistakes.

And that, more than the work transition, is a significant thing to understand about ones self.

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