Out of Doors Again Today

But only for a little while. It is still relatively chilly and I have a bronchial thing going on. I don't know what all it is about. I only know that I was incredibly sad today when I woke up. It was raining. The birds stayed away and I wanted to sleep. Fortunately I was on face book with my pen pal chatting about life and music and fun projects so that took my mind off of most of it. When the sun did finally come out there were interesting things  to see.

Like this weird tree trunk that looks like a goat's foot.

I was hoping to shoot cardinals. But they seem as good at avoiding cameras as most cats.

The prescription of getting out of doors to relieve depression is either a bunch of malarkey or it is completely ineffective because the person that I associate being outdoors with and having fun is no longer part of my life. Not sure which is the answer. But it didn't help.

This is going to be a tougher transition than I thought it would be.

Transitions

One of the things that I am learning about myself through yet another disappointment, is that I am completely capable of taking care of myself. Why would I think that I can't. Because I have been told that in some form or another all of my life. Sometimes accusatory statements come out as commandments as if they are repeated often enough they become a kind of mantra. Every time you tell a kid they can't do something for a reason other than health and safety (which needs to be stated as you "will not" or just "do not") it becomes a rule of living. And it goes so far into the subconsciousness that it makes everything in life much more difficult than it needs to be.

I am a weird person because I was a weird kid. While everyone was planning weddings and dreaming up their own dream homes I was planning a solitary life. I was born wanting to be left alone. Oh I was socialized, and traumatized in the process. But I had no desire for human companionship. As an introvert and natural observer, it is hard to be around people when you can see through their lies, the dissembling and even outright hostility toward others. And as a kid it is hard to get adults to listen and see what you see because they all "know better". I have always wanted to be a lone. But I was programmed to believe that I could not take care of myself.

So here I am up to my ears in debt, working my body to an early grave and immersed in the belief that art will never pay and that for whatever reason I am not a good enough writer to make money doing that. I've gone into relationship with the belief that they are needed because we aren't supposed to do life alone.

But I have to. I have a fundamental distrust that is not over come with therapy. I have no desire to learn to trust. Not on an intimate level where people are supposed to know you. That is where betrayal happens. And people get in the way of making art. I don't care if I make money at it or not. It would be nice. But I make art because to not make art is to begin to crawl into my grave. I do it to live. People get in the way.

Not believing in yourself gets in the way too. And so do setbacks. The art gallery was a dead end. I sold nothing that was submitted. But that is ok. I have other plans for my art. But I am taking a break and just working on digital stuff because I am transitioning into a new part of life.

My employer has started negotiations to move into another promotion. We have to work out the details such as the salary and the start date, how I will use my vacation time etc... so there is not much that I can say about it right now. But I am starting to believe in myself. So I am saying yes to bigger things. And as a result of the process I am seeing that I can take care of myself. I wish that I had seen that sooner. I wish that I had a defense for the people who tore me down 20 years ago. I wish that I had been strong enough to keep that from happening. In the 20 year struggle to rebuild after a divorce, I am seeing that one mistake doesn't really define me....

it defines the people who do not let you forget your mistakes.

And that, more than the work transition, is a significant thing to understand about ones self.

Still Learning Macro

While galavanting around the grounds of our public library, I found a tree of maple seeds that were just turning from green to dried up brown. While I struggled with the wind to get the cluster to hold still I made a discovery with the macro setting on my camera. The trick to a good macro had eluded me for a long time. Now I get it. And I have been looking for things to get good close ups and practice the technique. 

Foraging for mushrooms is a great opportunity. I only wish that what we found had been edible. It was either not a good species or past its prime. How annoying. Still, there were plenty of photographic opportunities.

One of my favorites is the copper fern. That was almost already in 3D from my perspective. The lighting after the rain before the sun came out seemed to make everything stand out in relief. This fern was in a sea of green ferns so it had an advantage to standing out. It was gorgeous. 

The coral fungus, which would have been edible if I had seen it a week or two earlier is only about 3 inches tall in real life. In the photo it looks like it could have been a lot bigger... thank you macro. 

And the failure in the group... the lone wild blueberry. It was the only stem of berries I saw. And it was the only berry. For whatever reason the leaves are sharp and well defined but the berry is out of focus. It's almost as if I didn't let the camera adjust and snapped it too early... which is what normally happens.

The maple seeds were from the library trip. THAT is a great photo. I'm still trying to figure out how to duplicate those results. 

It's been ages, I know

Or how I spent my Summer vacation...


I have not fallen off the planet or been abducted by aliens. In fact, very little that interesting has happened at all. I've been gone because I got a promotion at work and I have been dead to the world tired at the end of every day. It would seem there is little rest to be had for creatives with full time jobs. I have also moved and it is taking some getting used to with this new place and new roommates.

And yes, there is still the boyfriend. He is a very supportive chap and it is hard to not be creative around him. We just see very little of each other and now with Summer here... FINALLY... we are more active outdoors. That is not to say that painting isn't happening. It's just taking longer to get it done.

This is the view from the back porch. It's an incredible view, and an incredible smell with an atmospheric texture that makes my skin happy. It's a very surreal thing. And such fun to be on the porch painting... without getting sunburned if I can manage it.

And this is the reason there is so little going on inside with paints. I really want to be out in this and all kinds of scenic places that the boyfriend knows of. We've been bike riding in Leelanau county, I've been introduced to the wonderful past-time of fishing, we've toured the old farmstead that belonged to my father's family and cruised through the interior roads to find some amazing vistas such as these....

The Empire Bluffs slide into Lake Michigan with a pretty little lake on a channel inlet hiding some where in the mid ground of the picture.

We used to swim in that channel lake every Friday evening and Saturdays if there was not football or baseball at the Civic Center. We could be out there on the dunes for hours, long into the wee hours of the night when you could see the entire sky overflowing with the milky way.

How can you not be out in this?

Uncle Ole Thoreson's farm at Port Oneida.
Part of a Scandanavian settlement, the Oneida community
thrived for many years with the farms shipping their produce
to Chicago and Wisconsin and sometimes to NYC.  A land
dispute with the state and a local resort took the land out of
the family. Currently it is part of the Historical Society's
Renewal Project for the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore.
For several years it had been an artist's retreat.

This is one of the Manitou Islands as seen from the bluffs of the Pierce Stocking Scenic drive. Its rather hazy this year since the water is so cold. The sun starts steaming things up around 1pm so it always looks like it is raining in the distance.

This is one of the few surviving orchards on Stoney Point near Suttons Bay. The BF took me out on the boat to shoot some amazing pictures. And i got to drive for a bit! Pilot. Steer....
whatever.

It always amazes me that we get to live in a place like this. And it frustrates me that I let weird things like depression, anxiety and borrowed neurosis keep me away from these scenes which do so much to elevate the spirit.

We had the dog out on the boat with us and he was all nose in the wind ears flapping while I sat in the seat behind him nose in the wind and hair flailing myself. The smells..... the color of the water.... I've never seen water so deep to look like a puddle of spilled metallic indigo ink. I lived in Marquette for a while but never saw Superior's blue from the surface like I did this past weekend with just Grand Traverse Bay under the hull. Astounding.

As you head out of Suttons Bay for the larger Grand Traverse Bay you come upon the many points jutting into the water. See what I mean about the blue? To the left is points Omena and Northport and to the left is the point of the Old Mission Peninsula. My boyfriend's friends tease him for saying he lives on a lake and that it is similar to Oceanic experiences. They think that he means that it is a lake like the 4 square mile inland lakes everyone has. This is, in fact, considered an inland sea. It is huge and it defines a good part of the culture of our communities. The only thing that I don't notice its influence is in the culinary arts. And that would be in large part to the destruction of invasive species that have been here for the last 35 years.

A view from a farm in the leelanau penisula. The layers are incredible, vineyards, lake leelanau, the rest of the penisula's finger, then lake michigan cuts between the colorful hills and the blue ones in the background. The blue in the background is the Manitous. I love my panoramic camera setting. Have I mentioned that yet?

And this is the view of my father's farm from the old apple orchard. You see Stoney Point in the mid ground, Old Mission is hazy in the background.

And this is how I am spending my Summer. What are you doing?

Thoughts Turning to Spring

I know that it is not as bad as the big Winter of '78. Nor is this Winter much different that a two month stretch in '07 that wrecked havoc on my budget with excessive plow bills. But this is a long and annoying Winter none the less. We have been spoiled these last 20 years with little snow fall and the ability to walk around like it is still Fall for most of the bleak white season. This year though, my patience is tried to its last bit of strength.

In a few months I will be moving again. For the most part everything will go back into storage, I'll be crashing with a friend for a while to save some money and with any luck I will not have surgery on those hamstrings. Yes.... it is getting to that point. I'm in a level 3 constant amount of pain in both legs and over the last two days I am losing the feeling in one foot... the one whose hammie has been torn twice. And the back is not cooperating. Every time I get stuck without the benefit of the boyfriend's assistance I do more damage. Oh if only I could stay home when he is not here!

With these trials and constantly numb fingers I find myself looking forward to Spring. Not because I want to move heavy stuff around. But because the color will come back like a slow spreading pinkish orange sunrise. I have the newest issue of Somerset Studio and this is the article that I want to pour over the most.



photo: www.stampinton.com, artist: Heather Jacob. See her awesome blog at www.heatherandlife.blogspot.com
Yes, borrowed without permission and edited like mad to avoid the impression of digi-theft.
Full credit where it is due... this is wonderful.
Seriously... check out her blog there is even more wonderful stuff there. Showing link love on the right too!  

 Oh no, not because I am a scrapbooking fool at the moment. But because I like the way her negative spaces gives you a chance to breathe and dig deeper into the work. It is filled with great bits but the work isn't cramped or crowded. It spreads out a bit.... like a cold tired somebody stretching into the sun after a dark and cold winter.

The stark white pages, like our stark white winter bursts with color. This is the article that grabbed a hold of my imagination on first and second look. It has that Boho Chic whimsy and the Shabby Chic simplicity that really speaks to me right now as I contemplate another move. It speaks to me as I am trying to stretch into Spring to break the grip of cold that runs through and across me every day. Even with my Sweetie by my side I feel the cold creeping.... he warms my heart. And he inspires me to be more than I have been in the last few years of conflict and fleeting peace.

We talked about Art. The making of it, the process and the absolute desert that is the home when I am fully involved in a project. We talked about the things that take him inside of himself in a similar way. So we already know there is conflict between Muse and Life, between Egos and Encouragement. And we are already preparing for the eventuality that we will chose to live together somewhere and make our dreams come true. He isn't an artist in my medias, but we shared an art class so he knows how the process becomes entangled. He is an artist in the kitchen. I am a mere foodie in his presence. But I know the rapture of a well executed meal. The pain of plating and the foibles of study that let him become better at his craft even after his 25 years of experience. And he knows that culinary art is the same to him as my media are to me. So we know. But can our egos handle it?

I think so. And somehow... Heather Jacobs' work seems to convey that feeling to me... the growing together and yet independently. The mutual success. The encouragement and the praise for each other. I think that the red so close to the mid February Hallmark holiday may also have something to do with how I feel toward this particular article.

My thoughts are turning to Spring at any rate. There is so much to do between now and then. And so much change coming. Good change. I am actually not afraid like I have been in the past. I think that means that things are settling in my fluttery, little anxiety-riddled heart.

I picked up artful blogging this week too. The cover is a few shades of Winter Blue darker than the persistent steely blue grey skies and lifeless evening shadows outside. Crisp and brighter, this has me thinking Spring again. Still. Also. And with those thoughts, I think of how to make the blog fresh again. To bring it into the Spring season and celebrate the warmth to come. While I think, I shall read. There is a lot of great information in this magazine.  As I absorb and assimilate the posts here will be rather small and scarce.... or maybe just scarce. So get your art fix with the links at the right and see what others are doing.

You'll love it. I promise!

Ahead of the Holiday

Written 2 weeks ago and forgot to post:


So while I was gone I had a productive week of a different kind than normal. One of the things that I did was start the process of putting up outdoor décor for the coming season. Why? Well for one, we already had a light dusting of snow and everyone pulled out their parkas. So since we got the hint that Ma Nature is ready for a little Winter action decorating is fair game.

And so is the picmonkey scrapbooking affair. Yes. I said affair. I do believe that I am in love with picmonkey. There is a great new theme that is being rolled out as we speak. I've been able to make something that makes my geeky little heart squee.... and I want to see if I can do this with a real snow man.

Check it out....

 



 

Can you see the snowman in the bottom pic? I don't know if you can open this and see a bigger picture. I hope you can. Because building the "Snowten" was almost as much fun as stringing the trees together and making the digital scrapbook pages. It is all definitely way more fun than the necessity of the left hand photo: I hate pulling the branches down and arranging them. These trees were bound tighter than .... never mind. It would have been mean to say.

 

Let's just leave it an observation that if I lived in China and had to assemble these things I would have lost all patience with the standards of which they wind lights around branches.

 

Any way.... can't wait to see how they look at night. Oh... and lest you think I am a spendthrift: two sets of mini trees were 7.00 each and the two four footers were a steal at 5.00 each on clearance many seasons ago. Crap.... now it is all getting rained on. :(

 



Timely

Things get a little crazy when you start making art. There are people who want to take from you and think that you will never know that you are being copied. Today I would like to share with you a post about the things that happen when you start to sell your art. I hope that it isn't happening to me before I sell.
So here is a post from Kelly Rae http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com/2013/10/on-copying.html

Uh-oh

Hey Friends, Bloggers & Spammers,
The blog is getting a lot of hits lately but I can't tell how many hits are real and how many are spammers. You coding monkeys better have wings so you can fly away from Karma when she comes to kick your ass. For the handful of people who are real and enjoying the art here, I am afraid that I have to interrupt the regularly scheduled art with an important though sad and humbling announcement.

I would like to share this link and ask you for your support. If not in dollars then in prayers and shares. Desperate times call for desperate measures as they say. I've exhausted all my current options and seeking help from other venues is pretty tricky. For those of you who have never been in a situation where an accident or sudden illness is strangling you, there are humiliation situations to compound the primary problem. And some of the remedies are as destructive to the spirit as the origination problem.

So I am trying this route. If you read at the other blog then you know that I was hospitalized. This bills are coming due, finding help has taken so long that there are lawyers getting involved. I am trying to avoid the spirit crushing solutions. And I do not mind telling you, Depression has made some seriously perverse suggestions about getting out of this mess. But you also know that I have been reading I'm Off Then, by Hape Kerkeling. It is a chronicle of a spiritual journey, one which I am walking in parallel from my little corner of the world. In this saga, he finds himself at a stage on the Camino road in which he sees that life is survived in part by having good friends. And in part by having the faith & courage to place orders with the Universe to solve problems and keep going.

As I am on the stage where Placing and Order with the Universe can only help, I am placing that order and asking for help with this link to my fundraising page: http://www.gofundme.com/4wkb18

As I said, if you can not donate please send prayers and shares. Artwork as level rewards shoul be forthcoming. I am heading to the printer to find out what can be done.

Thank you.