|a quick watercolor sketch of a closed bleeding heart|
Exiled for ever, let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.
Down vain lights, shine you no more!
No nights are dark enough for those
That in despair their lost fortunes deplore.
Light doth but shame disclose.
Never may my woes be relieved,
Since pity is fled;
And tears and sighs and groans my weary days
Of all joys have deprived.
From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my deserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.
Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell,
Learn to contemn light
Happy, happy they that in hell
Feel not the world's despite.
John Dowland, 1563- 1626
My friends have such heavy hearts these days. And I as well. I am tempted to wrestly Sting's Labrynth CD from the bottom of the CD pile. I strive not to do so. Even though sad songs are good for the soul because they promote the cleansing tears, I have cried so much on my own that I dare not.
So many things are working themselves right from the convoluted mess that they were. And yet there is still sorrow. For myself, I feel as though I have been abandoned yet again. And as usual it revolves around feeling completely inadequate for the priviledged task of being someone's girlfriend... and now not even that mere friendship is available to me because of the damage that I have wrought. One would think I were an F5 tornado ripping through a sleeping Kansas city. I am not. But I feel as though I am. I know I am at least in the realm of a High Wind advisory when I get into the self-preservation mode. But I am not an F5. I've met women like that. I run screaming for the nearest Klingon ship when I meet women like that. Still.... to be told a thing on one day and then something else the very next. It is disruptive to say the least.
And so I am better off now with art, music, the bursts of joyful color and the reinstitition of the things I became convinced I did not "deserve". A daily fru-fru mocha, which is now as inexpensive as 1.25 a day thanks to a lovely Christmas gift from the company. Internet interactions with a world I relish thanks to inclusive rent. Music I find uplifting and inspiring and can listen to because I am not with someone who doesn't appreciate the deep melodious tones of Sting & Matze's voices. Uninterrupted art time. Candle lit baths. Nay! Candles at all are a wonder since the one I hade been with had issues with scents. Non-processed foods thanks to two wonderful friends who lent me crock pots.... all in all things are looking very well. So why am I sad?
For all there is it is not enough.
I've lost the local & physical manifestation of my tribe. It took so long to find the tribe members... member. And now... I am left to my own devices.
But I am not alone in my sorrow. Nor am I alone in the healing. Separated by space, we have facebook, texting and email. Sure, I can not go to a movie with them. But there is nothing that really lets me wallow in the sadness. And we each know how it feels to be bereft of some special person(s). We can send each other kindness and love with thought and prayer. And it is a relief to know that others know the pain. And, with Sting & Matze, there is hope that there will be a time to heal.